we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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