she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
