I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
