worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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