It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Panties = found
Randomize
