it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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