Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
