my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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