How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
