12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
