I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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