NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
