Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
