I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
