You smell like a Billy Joel song
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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