i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
