I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
