i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
