An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize