drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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