dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
