Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
