I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
And then he peed in my hair
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