I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
