i permit you to call me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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