I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
