Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
