3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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