life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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