You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
