Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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