I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
