mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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