I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
