I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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