so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
