I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
