I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
