I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
