I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
