you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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