you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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