so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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