I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
