So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
