every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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