drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
