Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I wish there were birth control emojis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have post one night stand depression
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