i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
