i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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