That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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