This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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