wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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