Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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