I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
