Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
