I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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