Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
