I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
